The Escalator Rebellion

Riding the escalator (which the average inhabitant of Moscow does at least six times daily) requires adherence to but one piece of basic escalator etiquette, namely that standing is to be done on the right side while walkers should be allowed to pass on the left. At times, however, this ever so plain and basic rule is grossly ignored resulting in the formation of two completely stationary rows of people riding up (or down) a seemingly endless tunnel. Personally, unless I am in the company of a good book or an equally interesting human, I don’t have the patience to stand still while the escalator carries me off – also, it makes me feel lazy and passive. It is important to note that escalators here are known for being some of the longest in the world, so that if you stand the whole way, the trip could take a good 3-4 minutes, and if you ride the escalator 6 times a day…you do the math.

In short, if Moscow were to be split into right-riders and left-leaders, I would certainly pledge the latter. But even so, there are certain factors that, on occasion, discourage me from running up/down the massive escalator steps. One such factor is that Magomed said that by running up the steps I am exposing myself to an increased risk of contracting tuberculosis. He says that 10 percent of Russians have the disease and they’re breathing and coughing all over the place, and in taking the long trek I inevitably breathe in deeper than if I were just standing. Sometimes I don’t have time to think about that, but at other times it scares me to the point that I hold my breath all the way up. (That’s a blatant lie: I never hold my breath.)

Another reason to stand is that my favorite flip-flops (i.e. the only ones that have held it together for more than a month) have no traction and so are extremely susceptible to all forms of sliding and skidding. I already had one mishap in those very flip-flops which almost resulted in the busting open of my face and I can really do without an encore. So being, if I do happen to taking the standing route all the way to the top (or bottom), I am never the person defiantly standing in the escalator passing lane. I understand the need of the left-laners to get where they need to go, and so courteously contain myself to the right half of the step.

So what’s the point of all of this you ask? I’m getting there.

When rushing up the left-hand side, if there are one or two deviant characters jutting out of the standing line, it is acceptable, and even encouraged, to push past them and continue on…I am even in support of a good nudge or condescending, disdainful glance so as to put such unruly standers in their place. But I’m always baffled by how it comes to pass that the entire left artery gets clogged: It can’t be that everyone who is standing there is standing because he/she wants to be standing. Oftentimes, someone takes on the seemingly simple task of walking, and when they get half-way, they realize that it’s not as easy as they thought, so they stop. Having taken note of such occurrences, whenever I see that the person in front of me may be prone to such behavior, I make sure to step extra hard and loud so that they know that there is someone behind them that has no intention of stopping. (I do have one exception, and that is when the person in front of me is elderly, in which case I walk slowly and quietly so that they don’t feel pressured to go on if they can’t.) Then it’s all up to the person behind the stopper, and there we encounter three types of people: (1) the one who pushes past and keeps going until the top; (2) the one who would really like to keep going but is not pushy enough to push his/her fellow passenger aside; and (3) the one who is also out of breath and uses the situation as an opportunity to stop without looking weak him/herself.

Each additional person that passively takes to standing instead of pushing through makes it harder for the rest of us who come up behind a growing line of standers, until, much like the machine we are all riding, the situations escalates and after a couple of minutes the entire escalator is packed. And as I stand there, I wonder: how many people would it take to revolt against the standers in the walking lane. I know I’m not the only one who is late to work every day, and can’t afford the extra four minutes. I know that 90 percent of the people standing on the left side yearn to run up the stairs but are being held back against their will. What if we joined forces and just pushed through? It’s like any other group study: Each person thinks that he/she is alone—the only one who wants to be walking and not standing. Nobody realizes that they are actually on a much bigger team, and it is that realization that would make the situation ripe for an escalator rebellion!

P.S. SANITY DISCLAIMER: Contrary to the impression you may have received from reading this, I don’t really think that this is a serious problem.